There's a lyric to a Nine Inch Nails song that only appears in the CD booklet of the album it's on. It's not actually in the song for some reason and it's never been reported that they perform it at all. It's at the end of "Something I Can Never Have." It goes:
"Your sweat and Perry Ellis/ just stains on my sheets." There is more to the lyric than that, but that's the last line of the song, forever sitting there.
Every once in a while, out of the thin blue air, that line will come to me, that haunting, unsung line that will be forever buried in CD cases or obliterated once we're done with those, and it automatically brings me to tears.
Some things have such a strange voodoo power to jolt you right back to a point in time, to an unspoken word, a missed opportunity, to a dream defiantly deferred, forever. And I think to myself, this is too hard.
I think that if this is what growing up is all about, you can keep it. I think that as a thirty-something woman, for fuck's sake.
I think of smelling dirty sheets over and over again and the shame and hatred and lust and feeling of sin that goes with it. I remember enjoying a certain type of sadness that I abhor today.
I think about dreams deferred. Of all stripes and shapes.
But mostly, I wonder if anyone else even knows about that tiny little hidden lyric, and if it even comes close to affecting them like it affects me.
Under the same sky and all that.
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